I'm Tired of Being Sick

I had chemo last Wednesday and it went as well as expected.  I just hate how it makes me feel.  The fourth day was the worst.  My balance was off and my head was so spaced out.  I kept drinking gatorade and it helped some.  I just wish I would go to sleep and wake up and it will all be over.  Who wants to endure this bullshit every day.  For the first time, I felt my tumor getting smaller.  I guess thats a good sign that this poison they are putting in my body is killing the cancer.  My nails are turning black and my skin is all jacked up.  I hate wearing hats and scarfs because my head stays hot.  Chemo has pushed me into pre-manapause.  This is just a lot.

I want to go to work today.  Sitting around here is not helping me.  It just reminds me that I'm sick and I feel terrible.  I'm hoping being at work will make me feel better in a way.  I'm just tired of feeling terrible, I need to do something.  I can't think at home.  I'm going to at least try to see if I can do it and if not, I'll keep my ass in the bed. lol  I'm used to being involved and being at home, I'm not involved in jack.  I don't want to lose my mind sitting here.  I need my brain to keep working.  I know, I'm convincing myself to go to work when I know I feel like some crap but I'm going anyway :-)

Well, with my bald head, black nails, dry skin, weak body, I'm getting ready to go.  I pray I can do 4 hours.

I know I'm complaining but still, I thank God for allowing me the strength to fight this disease.  I have the right to complain as long as I don't give up.  That I refuse to do.

Tomorrow the day, Chemo #3

All day I laughed and smiled, thanking God for another good day.  Tomorrow is going to come fast and I probably won't be able to sleep.  My mind knows that tomorrow is the day I get this chemo I hate.  I should love it because it's suppose to kill my cancer but I don't.  They are putting  poison in my body and it's breaking me down.  My nails are turning black, WTF!  My little bit of hair is just falling out. My skin is dry and my muscles are sore.  My vision has gotten worst.  Through it all, I've been smiling and laughing.  I joke about it to keep from crying.  I'm stronger then I thought.  I'm counting my to the last treatment. 14 to go and then I'll worry about the surgeries and intense radiation.  Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!  You know where I will be, in bed.

He's the wind beneath my wings and because of him, I can fly.  He allows me to smile on my darkest day.  He believes in me and because of that, I fight. God is my pilot and I'm ok.

Count down!

My Tears

I think last week was one of my roughest weeks since I found out that I had cancer.  I got mad at the fact that I was sick and wasn't feeling like the old Lisa. I was hating Cancer and I didn't care if it showed.  I was tired of feeling like shit in the middle of the day.  I couldn't think straight because I was feeling so bad.  I just cried and cried some more until at times, I fell asleep.  I kept saying that I don't want to do this anymore and it's not fair.  It took a minute but I checked myself and focused back in on what God has prepared me for.  The Fight!  I grabbed hold of my smile and wiped those tears away.  I had to remember his promises and hold tight to them.  I'm human, so it's ok for me to lose track.  The most important part is that I get back focused and I did.  I love life and I just want to live it.  I had to remind myself that this will only last but for moment but when it's all said and done, I'm going to celebrate in a big way.  I hate Cancer and me and him are going to break up real soon.  Thats not a commitment I want to be in :-)

Note:  Did I forget to tell you that the Cancer is under my left arm as well?  You'd have a moment if you were going through this as well.

Thank God for my friends!  They keep reminding me of God's purpose.  They lift me up when I'm down.  this is definitely Our Journey.

Lisa

The Hair Cut

On November 5th, I got my hair cut.  The event was more then I expected.  So many people came out to support me.  My dad even came from Hampton Va, just for the event.  We shed a lot of tears and hugs.  It seemed that this step gave us a reality check.  Cancer was real and it showed up at our house.  I can't even put into words what that day meant to me.  Awesome is all I can say.  Below is the link to the site where I posted all the pictures.  One week after the event, I had to cut the rest of my hair off because it was falling out all over the place.

www.sweetluvsnextstepthehaircut.shutterfly.com

The Saints Came By

I'm so glad to be a Saint!  Today was a rough day because I experience fatigue in a way I have never experienced before.  I could barely walk to the corner without stopping to catch my breath. I told my mom, I don't know how I'm going to take 5 months of this.  I lost my taste for food today as well.  I eat it but I can't taste it.  WTH! lol

I got a call from my friend Crys who I play softball with.  I played on a team called the Saints!  Crys was coming by to visit and I was waiting on her.  When I opened the front door, low and behold, The Lady Saints were at my door representing!  Oh My!  I was caught off guard and was so surprised.  They brought cards, gifts, and laughter.  I got hugs, smiles and reassurance that they had my back.  We prayed together and I know God heard us lift his name.  You see, today I wondered how I was going to make 5 months of feeling like a truck hit me and God sent the Saints to tell me, it's going to be alright.

It's those moments when you show some doubt that God brings you back in.  He reminds you of your strength and faith.  He lifts you up when you feel like you are about to get down.  When you cry, he finds a way to wipe your tears away.  This life I live is just a blessing!  The more I continue on this journey, the more I realize I'm not alone.

To my Saints Family, I love you guys and you will never truly know how you have touched me today.  May God continue to bless each and everyone you.  He is a Healer and I am a Believer!  In 7 months, we toast, Job Well Done!  March on!

Lisa