It's what you put in the universe

I'm riding to work today and thinking, I went to sleep at a decent time but I'm tired, I'm exhausted. I thought maybe my meds for making me feel tired but haven't even taken them in a week. Is something else wrong? So I decided instead of every time someone ask me how you doing, I always say that I'm tired but I'm good. From now on, I'm responding with, I'm good.  I want to start putting positive energy in the universe. I have to be careful of what I
put in the universe.

I'm dumb as crap!

I haven't taken my meds in 30 days. I was just sick and tired of be tired. I realized that without the meds, I'm still fatigued. I did all that for nothing. I took a big risk that would cause my cancer to return. That's some dumb sh&%. I need to get my act together real quick. Pill takend: CHECK

I just found out I'm not crazy!

So the other day I was on Facebook and I saw a page that entitled Breast Cancer Survivors, so I clicked it and requested to join.  So today I got access and do you know that I saw so many entries about tamoxifen. I thought I was the only one that was extremely fatigued and that bones crack when I got up to walk and that at 630 pm and sometimes 4:30 p.m. I'm ready to go to bed but not really ready to go to bed, just tired There are other women out there that would be dealing with the same things that I'm dealing with on a daily basis; the decision whether to continue with tamoxifen or quit using it, what other remedies are out there, what other drugs may I take that will have a different effect. All of these things were on this particular page and again it was called Breast Cancer Survivors page. I'm not crazy!  There are other women like me.

Body Scans

I'm scared of those body scans, aka PET scan. I shake and cry through the whole thing which takes hours. I try sing, visually take my mind to the islands and nothing works, so I cry and shake. I beg to my heavenly father to please get me out but allow them to get the pics they needs to find any cancer that may be floating around looking for a place to land. I don't hate a lot of things but I body scans and I hate cancer. I'm human and I'm woman enough to tell the truth about my fears. I'm going to pray God removes that fear from my heart an d mind and believe that he will do it.

Fat Cells Are Feeding My Cancer

I'm learning so much as I go through this journey.  I knew that my estrogen was feeding my cancer.  So I thought, maybe I'll get rid of my ovaries.  I don't need them anymore.  When I went to the doctor, I found out that no matter if I remove my womanly body parts, my fat would still produce bad estrogen and that estrogen will feed my cancer.  She was very clear with me.  She said, lose weight and live longer.  Wow!  All those years of saying how I'm going to bring sexy back and never doing it.  Now I have no choice.  God knows I want to live longer.  I want to be healthy, I don't want to die fighting this disease.  The tamoxifen is making me so tired but I have to find the energy to move this fat out of my life.  She had to put it in those words or I would still be trying to bring sexy back by sitting on my couch with some cookies.  Now its all about being healthy and forget the sexy part. Shoot, I'm already sexy but I was going to magnify my sexiness :-)  Now I have to fight this disease with exercise along with this drug.  I have to change the way I eat and what I eat.  If life didn't get serious before, it got real serious that day.  I have only one option and that is to work out and get rid of what is feeding the cancer.  My book uses the words, 'I CAN'.  I believe in those words and there is no doubt I can do this.  Calling all motivators!  Keep lifting me up :-)  www.PDLSinc.com #teamhealthy #ICAN

I Can't See!

Today I was watching the Olympics and they talked about a bobsledder that lost his vision.  Through that journey, he had not told a soul.  Finally when he couldn't hide it anymore, he revealed his secret.  Though my situation is by far, as bad as his.  It's still a situation. smh  My vision is getting worst everyday because of the cancer drug I'm taking.  I can't enjoy a good show on TV.  I'm always trying to figure out what exactly am I looking at.  Watching a good NBA game is now a challenge.  It becomes frustrating and I try not to complain.  Today has just been tough.  I had so much to do but my vision was a challenge.  I continue to be tested everyday.  I guess the devil thinks I'll get mad but I won't.  I may get frustrated but I won't get mad.  I'll stay focus on what my real purpose is and keep pushing forward.

God Spoke to Me

It's amazing how shoveling snow can clear my mind and allow God to speak and I listen. Shoveling snow with tears coming down my eyes asking God to speak a word to me. Lead me and give me peace of mind when life becomes so stressful. In the midst of my tears, snow and silence, I heard bells ring. I smiled because at that moment I believed that God was reassuring me that he was here and he heard my cry.  At that moment I knew that everything was going to be alright.  It's just amazing what will happen if you open your heart and clear your mind to allow God to speak.  This life I lead is not easy but I keep pushing and smiling more then I cry.