Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Purpose!!!!!

One thing I've always known was that I was a gift from God.  I knew my God didn't make any junk when he created me.  He gave me a big heart, a loving personality and compassion.  He allowed me to live the life I live and when I was lost he helped me find my way.  I do a lot of things that some would say was Ungodly.  I think everyone does some things that are ungodly, so they are no different from me.  The thing about me is that I'm God fearing and giving.  I will help a stranger and think nothing of it.  Thats how he made me.  Going through this cancer battle has taught me a lot.  I already knew God had big plans for me. I knew he was preparing me for something big.  I knew I was the chosen one.  What I didn't know was that I was strong enough to handle this challenge.  I believe he wants me to tell my story but I have to make it through to tell.  I'm finding my strength within and I'm smiling when I want to cry.  I push on through on those days when I feel like crawling in a corner.  I cry and stop mid way because I or someone has reminded me that God has my back.  I'm humbled by his grace.  I thank him each day because he didn't have to bring me this far but he did.  When I hug, I hug with a meaning.  I'm telling that person that God loves you and so do I. He works through me and I just deliver the message.  I don't discriminate because my friends are black, white, asian, hispanic, arab, catholic, baptist, atheist, AME and some are trying to find their way.  I don't care what people do or believe in as long as we respect each other's choices in life.  I don't have to live no one's life but mine, so do you!  I'm a soldier in this fight for my life and I look forward to telling my story.  I would only hope that it will encourage someone in some way.  When I leave this worldly place, I know my life would not have been in vain.  So I keep smiling and one those bad days, I shake the devil off.  My life has a purpose and through my journey I will help others.  At the end of the day, God will say, Job Well Done My Sister!

Lisa

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Sunday's Best

Wow, I had a nice weekend just chillin with my daughter.  I felt great and the weekend is not over.  Last week my One Love Softball team came by and today, my Ebenezer AME Softball team is coming by.  I love my softball family.  I have a new focus today because I don't know what I was going through last week but I'm over it.  I meet with my doctor Wednesday before chemo.  I want to talk about my options and whatever she says is best, I'm going to deal with it.  These medical bills are piling up quickly. Cancer won't kill me but these bill will. lol

Anyway, the devil is a liar and I love life.  Shout out to the Saints, One Love and Ebenezer!  I won't be playing next year but I will be on the fields screaming, as usual :-)

Lisa

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I Started to Trip Out

Last week I had chemo and recovery was so hard.  That terrible feeling stayed with me so long.  I couldn't talk, think, or make sense of anything.  I dragged myself out of bed to see some old co-workers and that definitely lifted my spirits.  Man, I felt loved.  So many hugs and prayers.  A friend of mine wrote on my Facebook page that she thought the president walked in the building but it was me :-)  Thats a blessing to be loved like that.  All I could do was smile and look forward to getting back in the bed.  It was hard being there.  For six days I was sick and depressed.  Sometimes up but down a lot.  I was just tired of doing it and feeling like that.  I kept saying I don't want to do chemo anymore.  I just don't want to.  I told my friend Carol that yesterday and she told me I had no choice.  I called my doctor for an appointment because I wanted to tell her too.  Just cut the cancer out and give me the radiation and let me move on.  My doctor hasn't called back yet but she will.  I just want some other options like cutting the amount of treatments down from 12 to 6 and let me go every other week instead of every week.  Thats what I'm going to propose.  I'm going to pray on it hard and hope that it's ok with God.  I want to live but this is hard!

I feel so bad I can't even work anymore.  How can I work if I can't think straight.  I breath hard walking from my bedroom to the bathroom.  My head burns on the inside like I got water up my nose.  I forget everything.  I don't even know where one of my pair of glasses are.  I left one pair at Carol's house, so now I'm blind. (frustrating)

Through it all, I've found ways to smile.  I've found ways to dry my tears.  If it wasn't for my Facebook, friends, family and faith, I think I would have given up.  I'm still fighting, its just hard.  God has reminded me of his grace and mercy.  I continue to stay focused and looking up.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Who Am I

It's been two months now and I'm still hanging tough.  I'm completely bald and I don't care.  I finally had the strength to go shopping yesterday.  I had a scarf on at first but it bothered me so I put a hat on my head. By the time we got in the mall, I whipped that hat off so fast.  I didn't care if I walked through that mall bald.  I didn't give a shit.  I was shopping and I was happy to have enough strength to do so.  I spent so much money and it felt good.  I shopped for outfits to go out in because I knew that I will be up and out when I get rid of this disease.  I began to plan last night :-)  There are times when I struggle to walk to the bathroom or to the corner for exercise.  Walking that mall for 2 hours was like completing a marathon and I was proud to complete it.  I did it!

I love my life and I thank God for putting me in the right places at the right time.  Who Am I?  I'm a mother, daughter, sister, friend, lover, BFF, woman, and human being.  Hair doesn't make me.  I was proud to walk in my baldness.  Its my war scar.  It says I'm fighting.