Post Surgery

On April 11th, I had my surgery.  On that day, my spirits were up and I was ready to go.  When I walk in the back with the nurse, I looked backed at my mom with no fear in my eyes.  I woke up some time later and it was over.  My friend Jennifer and her daughter came to support my mother and I.  You don't know how much I appreciated that.  Later that evening my BFF and friend came, Ne'Ne and Shan.  They stayed until 2:00 am and I had to make them go home.  They love me :-) The pain I was in, was unbelievable.  I didn't expect it to hurt like that but it did.  It's been over a week and I still can't do for myself.  I'm in constant pain and I have 4 tubes coming out that bugs the mess out of me.  It just feels like I've been through so much in the past 2 years.  I had an accident on the softball field and broke multiple bones in my face and I lost sight in one eye.  I walk around with permanent nerve damage and 2 plates in my face.  I fell in love and tried so hard to make my mate happy because I thought that their happiness  would make me happy.  I had to give in and walk away and the events of that relationship still hurts.  I got into a crazy relationship after that and it was unbelievable. I had to run from that but it was a lesson learned.  I learned I had cancer and so far I've endure 16 chemo treatments and invasive surgery. I still have 5 weeks of radiation to go. I had someone befriend me while going through my cancer battle and they stole from me. Throughout it all, I kept smiling when others would have folded.  Four friends died within the last 3 weeks.  Someone told me this weekend that I don't make them laugh. How do I make someone laugh when so much is happening in my life.  I don't laugh much anymore.  No one really knows what I've been through and continue to go through.  I try and push myself to make others happy and the whole time, I'm in pain but I suck it and don't complain. Thats me always trying to please others.

Tonight, I'm sitting here reflecting on my life and choices.  I feel like I'm always trying to make someone's day and no one thinks about making mine. I choose my words carefully and other's don't have a filter.  I have so many friends but at times I feel so lonely and helpless.  My daughter asked me again today, Mom when will this be over?  I am a problem solver and to have to deal with all of this, I'm not in control and that kills me.  I'm a strong woman and tonight I feel weak.  Searching for answers unknown has been my quest. I've been trying to get ahead of the game but its hard.  I have so much respect for the women who have come before me. I'm half way there but boy this fight is not easy.  I still have to deal with the rest of life's ups and downs.  Damn, that shit is not right!

I want to go back to work, I want to laugh, I want to be able to have others enjoy being around me because of the joy surrounds me, I want to do my daughter's hair with no pain, I want to take her to the mall and shop, get our nails done and catch a movie without me pressing pass the pain to do it.  I want to go to a club and dance the night away because I LOVE to dance.  I want to be able to celebrate my friend's birthdays and accomplishments and not miss it because I'm too sick to go. I'm ranting because I feel like it.  Don't take it as if I'm giving up because I'm NOT. Sometimes I gotta say some shit to keep it going.  This is real talk and sometimes its the stuff people don't want to hear but it's real.  On June 9th I turn 43 and because of the things I've been through and are going through, I'm going to celebrate.  Most importantly, I'm going to get on my knees thank God for another year on earth.

So, now let me start researching on how to recover faster from the surgery. Radiation starts in one week. Thats 5 days a week for 5 weeks.  I gotta be strong to endure this, so I'm going to eat better then before.  Where are my veggies?

#thinkpink

Lisa

The Journey Continues with Part 2

Well, it's finally that time for surgery. I'm due to be at John Hopkins at 1:00 on April 11th.  So much has happened the last few weeks. My friend died of cancer, I had a person who befriended me that stole from me during my battle, my car broke down, my doctor's appointments were so crazy and my body has been showing the effects of 16 sessions of chemo.  Thats just a lot but still, I smile.

I won't lie, I cried a few days last week. I couldn't sleep because so much was on my mind.  The closer I get to my surgery date, the more sadder I became.  I know that this is just another step toward VICTORY and I know I choose LIFE but still, it's sad.  Tomorrow will be life changing for me and as I type this, tears form in my eyes. I'm not scared but I'm mad that I have to go through this.  My daughter was so sad yesterday when we talked about the surgery. She asked if this was going to be the end of it all and I said, NO. Theres radiation and more surgery to come but when its all said and done, mommy will be healthy and ready to roll. So, I'm mad because my daughter suffers from my journey as well. She's scared and I'm helpless. Each day I tell her I love her and I fight for her. So I pull my shoulders back, wipe the tears, ball up my fist and prepare to continue on this road to VICTORY.

At 1:00 pm tomorrow, I will be at John Hopkins for my surgery. I will come home on Thursday. I'm ok with my choices because one of them is LIFE.

Lisa