On April 11th, I had my surgery. On that day, my spirits were up and I was ready to go. When I walk in the back with the nurse, I looked backed at my mom with no fear in my eyes. I woke up some time later and it was over. My friend Jennifer and her daughter came to support my mother and I. You don't know how much I appreciated that. Later that evening my BFF and friend came, Ne'Ne and Shan. They stayed until 2:00 am and I had to make them go home. They love me :-) The pain I was in, was unbelievable. I didn't expect it to hurt like that but it did. It's been over a week and I still can't do for myself. I'm in constant pain and I have 4 tubes coming out that bugs the mess out of me. It just feels like I've been through so much in the past 2 years. I had an accident on the softball field and broke multiple bones in my face and I lost sight in one eye. I walk around with permanent nerve damage and 2 plates in my face. I fell in love and tried so hard to make my mate happy because I thought that their happiness would make me happy. I had to give in and walk away and the events of that relationship still hurts. I got into a crazy relationship after that and it was unbelievable. I had to run from that but it was a lesson learned. I learned I had cancer and so far I've endure 16 chemo treatments and invasive surgery. I still have 5 weeks of radiation to go. I had someone befriend me while going through my cancer battle and they stole from me. Throughout it all, I kept smiling when others would have folded. Four friends died within the last 3 weeks. Someone told me this weekend that I don't make them laugh. How do I make someone laugh when so much is happening in my life. I don't laugh much anymore. No one really knows what I've been through and continue to go through. I try and push myself to make others happy and the whole time, I'm in pain but I suck it and don't complain. Thats me always trying to please others.
Tonight, I'm sitting here reflecting on my life and choices. I feel like I'm always trying to make someone's day and no one thinks about making mine. I choose my words carefully and other's don't have a filter. I have so many friends but at times I feel so lonely and helpless. My daughter asked me again today, Mom when will this be over? I am a problem solver and to have to deal with all of this, I'm not in control and that kills me. I'm a strong woman and tonight I feel weak. Searching for answers unknown has been my quest. I've been trying to get ahead of the game but its hard. I have so much respect for the women who have come before me. I'm half way there but boy this fight is not easy. I still have to deal with the rest of life's ups and downs. Damn, that shit is not right!
I want to go back to work, I want to laugh, I want to be able to have others enjoy being around me because of the joy surrounds me, I want to do my daughter's hair with no pain, I want to take her to the mall and shop, get our nails done and catch a movie without me pressing pass the pain to do it. I want to go to a club and dance the night away because I LOVE to dance. I want to be able to celebrate my friend's birthdays and accomplishments and not miss it because I'm too sick to go. I'm ranting because I feel like it. Don't take it as if I'm giving up because I'm NOT. Sometimes I gotta say some shit to keep it going. This is real talk and sometimes its the stuff people don't want to hear but it's real. On June 9th I turn 43 and because of the things I've been through and are going through, I'm going to celebrate. Most importantly, I'm going to get on my knees thank God for another year on earth.
So, now let me start researching on how to recover faster from the surgery. Radiation starts in one week. Thats 5 days a week for 5 weeks. I gotta be strong to endure this, so I'm going to eat better then before. Where are my veggies?
#thinkpink
Lisa
Hey Lisa.
ReplyDeleteIt would be easy for me to read your words and move on with my life. But your words resonant with me because the person I know (I do resist using the past tense of the word) is a fighter. You are a fighter; you are a RAM. You have fought this hard and long and will continue to fight. However, you must fight for Lisa. Yes, your daughter needs you, your family needs you, but that is for naught, if you forget that you need you. So fight to regain your life for Lisa. Only then will you be able to mustard the strength to continue to fight to go dancing again, comb your daughter’s hair again, return to work, or simply put, return to life as you know it and want to live it.
When people we know and love suffers an illness, we tend to think about what we are missing, what we have to give up, what we lose, or, worse yet, what they can no longer do for us. That is selfish thinking which people are by nature. The compassionate thing to do is to think about what the person who is ill is missing out on, what they have to give up or what they have lost. Only then will we get a full portrait of what the ill person means to so many people. Losing sight of the bigger picture can cause one to miss out on the opportunity to prove to the ill person why they are important to us and why they are needed in life. This one act can provide the ill person with an incentive to continue to fight.
So I encourage you with one word - RESILIENCE. We have heard this word many times before, but looking at the definitions is giving me a different perspective. Resilience means the power or ability to return to the original form or position after being bent, compressed or stretched. It also means the ability to recover readily from illness, depression or adversity. You are on the road to truly turning this word into a part of your persona.
Your 16 weeks of chemo treatments showed your resiliency to the medical staff, your family and friends. Your desire to press ahead with your radiation treatment is a great display of resilience despite being tired, beat up and worn down. Your mourning the lost of your friends (RIP Tonya McKie Bagby) and other losses’ shows your human spirit. Maybe you are plowing through it on autopilot or just going through the motions, but you are moving in the right direction; that is forward. Continue your display of resiliency by shutting out the naysays and moving forward with full view of returning to life and running it on your terms.
You can do it!!! It may be slow progress, but slow and steady wins the race every time.
I say with to you with much love and respect.
Natalie Sims Jackson
Natalie, your words are well put and much respected. Man, where do I begin without going too far too long? You know that God will not give us MORE than we can bear. HE jsut won't. So that says alot about your strength to endure. A WHOLE LOT! Think about it, be fair to you and give you much credit for where you have been and where you will go! God has something grand in store for you, and I thank HIM for that often because you are so deserving of it all. SO DESERVING! Such a kind heart and spirit, a giving soul and likeness and love for people, you are that diamond in the ruff that we as women so often hear of.
ReplyDeleteI know your days and nights are not easy, they can't be, but I'm sure each day gets better and it will continue to do so. When this whole journey began I had a little chat with God, as I so often do...and I explained to HIM that HE knows you are not just another woman here on earth. YOU ARE A MAJOR VESSEL AND SO MANY OF US HERE NEED YOU AND HE CAN'T BE SELFISH WITH YOUR ANGELIC WAYS...and I feel he heard me. I feel HE knows I meant what I said, when I said, GOD DON'T START NO CONFUSION. LOL! But seriously Lisa, early on, I was so frightened and scared of the unknown, so much that even now tears develop in my eyes thinking of the many things that COULD HAVE taken place. But I know OUR GOD, THE ONE WE SERVE IS SO MUCH GREATER THAN EVEN MEDICINE AND MAN. Continue to pray, and stand on your faith, and always know I'm in the GAP PRAYING TO, claiming the victory. You still make me laugh, in so many ways. And you still show me that thru it all you still GOT JOY! Hang tuff BFF, HEAD UP, CHEST OUT! Much love, Ne!