Still Fighting!

I'm sitting here outside a resort in Connecticut thinking about my journey and how I've handled it thus far. I spent some nights crying and I spent some praising God. Most of my nights I felt lonely as if I was fighting this fight alone. No one really knew how I felt, just God and me. When everyone went home and my phone stopped going off, it was just me and God. I wanted to lay on someone's lap while they rub my bald head, just to let me know that they are here by my side. I wanted someone to wipe my tears when my mind wondered. It was those nights when I felt alone. I'm so glad that joy came in the morning! I would wake up with a new attitude. I am determined to not let this cancer control my spirit. I can't even explain how I felt and the discomfort I was in. When I try, tears form because the pain of it all still lingers in my heart and mind. My Good Friend Sandy said that I will forget the bad stuff one day. I can't imagine ever forgetting that pain. I lost a lot of things during this journey and some I'll never get back. I know these things don't make me, but it was a part of me.
I have another surgery on June 11th. After that, I can start radiation. I'm already trying to figure out how to fight back during that process. Five days a week for 5 weeks they will zap my ass. They said I will have burns on my chest and it will cause fatigue. Wow, more fatigue. I want my life back, so I endure this bullshit and keep fighting. This journey is not for the weak, I must say. It's for the strong and if you're not strong, you will be when it's all said and done. Trust me, I get tired but I know I have to keep pushing. So, I wipe my own tears and run my own head because I know that JOY comes in the morning! #thinkpink all day, every day!
Lisa
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My Walk is My Story

It's been a minute since I've been on here.  I've been taking one day at a time.  I'm now 13 Chemos down, with only 3 left to go.  My Co-Worker told me, what I've known for a while.......I was chosen for this walk.  The things in life that use to bother me doesn't anymore.  Life is too short to worry about the small stuff.  I was at a restaurant last week and the waiter spilled this sauce all over my leather jacket.  My friend looked at me, waiting for me to explode.  The waiter frantically began to clean the mess up and I just looked at him and smiled.  It's a jacket, thats all.  I'm dealing with bigger things in life, like CANCER.  I can get a new jacket or maybe get that cleaned, but this life of mine comes only once.  So I smile and I keep it rolling.

I thought about the day I sat on my mom's couch last December and cried.  I kept saying, 'I can't do this anymore.'  I remember how much pain I was in and how bad I wanted this whole ordeal to be a dream but it wasn't.  Today I stand here with a smile because I'm almost done with Phase 1 (Chemo Treatment).  I don't even concentrate on the next Phase.  The days I feel bad, I thank God because he choose me.  He knew I could do it.  He surrounded an army of folks around me.  He supplied my needs :-)  Someone said that they would never guess what I was going through if I wasn't bald.  She said, I'm always smiling.  I can tell you that I've smiled more than I've cried in the past 5 months.  I dealt with my hair being gone, no energy, weight gain, burning head sensations, dehydration, black nails, no eyebrows, a relationship that wasn't supportive to my needs and people who fell off the journey but was going strong in the beginning and through it all, I SMILE because he choose me.   Being a child of God doesn't necessarily mean you walk this straight walk.  I don't live a perfect life but I treat people right.  I truly love my neighbor.  I know who directs my life and I accept that.

Whitney Houston died and I cried.  I cried because she was a beautiful person that had a demon riding her back that she couldn't shake.  I cried because her journey was hard and painful for her.  God called her home because it was her time.  She was tired.  I realize that God can call us at any time.  It doesn't have an age, sickness, time, or number on it.  It's just his time and thats the right time.  If God was to call me home tomorrow, or tonight, or whenever, please know that I'm ok with the life I've lived.  I know I have made my presence known with so many.  I know that I have contributed to so many lives that I'm comfortable with saying, at the age of 42, my living has not been in vain.  I pray God allows me to live a long life and I know there is a lot of work to be done.  I believe he has allowed me to go through this journey to help others and thats what I planned to do.  I'm a different person now.  I'm stronger and wiser and a little smarter :-)  I was always compassionate and caring but now I know pain and struggle.  This is My Walk and My Walk is My Story.  Stand by me, support me, lift me up because at the end of the day, it's not about me.  It's about the people that God wants me to help.  My tears are now tears of joy.  I'm fighting and I'm fighting hard.  Round 1 is about to be over and then I welcome Round 2.

March 7th is the last Chemo Treatment.

Thanks my friends, family, co-workers, and strangers that cross my path for helping me get through each day, one day at a time.

Taking One Day at a Time

Lately I've been taking things slow.  Trying not to get excited about stuff and trying not to get down about others.  I'm at my half way mark with my chemo treatment and I finally see the light.  I'm taking it one day at a time, meaning one chemo session at a time.  My spirits have been up.  I haven't cried in a while.  Life just has been treating me good because things could have been worst. I met a lady at the hospital who told me that her sister had a lump that she didn't go get checked.  One year later, she finally went to see about it and it turn out to be stage 4 cancer and they gave her 3 months to live.  She says that every time she visits her sister, she tells her that she's ready to go.  She's tired of living.  At that point, I tell God, Thank You!  It could have been worst.  I see people at the hospital with no one supporting them.  I thank God because he gave me an army of folks.  I look into my eyes (via mirror) and I smile because I see peace.  I see a woman that refuses to get tired of fighting.  I smile when I don't want to, I laugh when I want to cry and I sing (terrible singer) when I feel my spirit getting down. I look up when I need to be reminded of who is directing my life.  My heart is filled with joy and love.  Each day is a day toward VICTORY and I rejoice in advance!  I'm planning my celebration because VICTORY is already mine!  Living this life I live is not easy but God knows it could have been harder!

Lisa