Bonus Dads

This week has been interesting. I found out that I have to do intensive brain radiation. I'm praying on this because I don't want to do it. I still have to find out how many treatments I have to do. I know they are 45 minutes each and that's a long time to be nailed to a table and can't move. Last time I could barely walk and I only had about 6 treatments at 8 minutes each. Smh! I put those thoughts to the side to only find out that the man that helped my mother raise me, who is my best friends dad, that taught how to be a young lady and to be kind to others and taught by example, had had a stroke. It hit hard because my biological father is already suffering from the results of multiple strokes. He's not the same and it hurts. To see my bonus dad hurting, my heart is crushed. He was just at the house the other day. Him working in my house and me adding to the Daddy Do List. I love my biological dad, he was in my life so don't get wrong but our time together was no where near the time I spent with my Bonus Dad. My father never showed jealousy but in fact I think he was relieve I had my bonus dad. My mom raising 3 kids alone with no support, I spent most of my days with him and his family. Overnight stays, vacations, trips to visit out of town family.  My best friend shared her father,  sisters, and extended family. Her cousins, aunts and uncles are mine. Her baby sister is now my baby sister.  I'm just another one of his daughters.   My bonus dad is strong, loving, smart and caring. I have NO doubt and all the FAITH in the world the he will come back strong again. At first I cried and then I looked at my situation with my sister and we concurred. God can do all things, look at me.  I love dad and you will be back to work on the golf course and bowling alley soon. Be patient but fight.

Conversation with my daughter

Right before I picked Liyah up from school, John Hopkins called.  It was the Spine Surgeon's office scheduling my appointment.  My last visit I was informed that my bone was crumbling and sitting on the bottom of my back bone.  Something like that.  My doctor talked to me about surgery, putting cement in my back.  When I hung the phone up, I immediately got sad.  I don't want anymore surgery. I don't want air hitting my insides because I believe that when the cancer really spreads.  I held back the tears as Liyah got in the car.  I didn't want her to know how scared I was.  She immediately asked me what was wrong and as a tear fell, I told her.  She grabbed my hand and said, 'don't worry mom. You are the strongest person I know. We are going to pray each night until your surgery.  If this is God's plan, we have to be ok with that.'  I was at awe with her response.  For her to think I'm the strongest person she knows is so unbelievable because I think that of her.  She knows my situation and she continues to keep her spirit high and make sure that I'm ok.  She is my rock!  I know that I'm loved but the love that she gives me is unexplainable.  When I told Shan, all she could do was say, thats my baby.  She doesn't surprise us at all.  We know Liyah is amazing.  Between, Liyah, my mom and Shan, how can I bow my head.  With the army I have around me, how can I not claim victory.  With God constantly reminding me that he is in control, how can I not live my life to the fullest.  I wipe these tears and I dare the devil to come for me.  He can't win with this army.

My Mornings

Everyday I wake up thanking God for another day.  I look around my room to make sure I'm here on earth.  I do that because we never know what minute, hour, day or week he's going to call.  So each day is a blessing to me.  It's harder to get out of of these days.  Only because my bones are in pain.  I have to take my pain killer and wait for it to work before I get out of bed.  I used to be that morning person but now I'm that afternoon one. lol If I had choose from not being here or the early morning pain, I choose the pain without thinking.  So before you begin your day, Thank that higher power for allowing you another day.  Enjoy

Fat Cells Are Feeding My Cancer

I'm learning so much as I go through this journey.  I knew that my estrogen was feeding my cancer.  So I thought, maybe I'll get rid of my ovaries.  I don't need them anymore.  When I went to the doctor, I found out that no matter if I remove my womanly body parts, my fat would still produce bad estrogen and that estrogen will feed my cancer.  She was very clear with me.  She said, lose weight and live longer.  Wow!  All those years of saying how I'm going to bring sexy back and never doing it.  Now I have no choice.  God knows I want to live longer.  I want to be healthy, I don't want to die fighting this disease.  The tamoxifen is making me so tired but I have to find the energy to move this fat out of my life.  She had to put it in those words or I would still be trying to bring sexy back by sitting on my couch with some cookies.  Now its all about being healthy and forget the sexy part. Shoot, I'm already sexy but I was going to magnify my sexiness :-)  Now I have to fight this disease with exercise along with this drug.  I have to change the way I eat and what I eat.  If life didn't get serious before, it got real serious that day.  I have only one option and that is to work out and get rid of what is feeding the cancer.  My book uses the words, 'I CAN'.  I believe in those words and there is no doubt I can do this.  Calling all motivators!  Keep lifting me up :-)  www.PDLSinc.com #teamhealthy #ICAN

Still Fighting!

I'm sitting here outside a resort in Connecticut thinking about my journey and how I've handled it thus far. I spent some nights crying and I spent some praising God. Most of my nights I felt lonely as if I was fighting this fight alone. No one really knew how I felt, just God and me. When everyone went home and my phone stopped going off, it was just me and God. I wanted to lay on someone's lap while they rub my bald head, just to let me know that they are here by my side. I wanted someone to wipe my tears when my mind wondered. It was those nights when I felt alone. I'm so glad that joy came in the morning! I would wake up with a new attitude. I am determined to not let this cancer control my spirit. I can't even explain how I felt and the discomfort I was in. When I try, tears form because the pain of it all still lingers in my heart and mind. My Good Friend Sandy said that I will forget the bad stuff one day. I can't imagine ever forgetting that pain. I lost a lot of things during this journey and some I'll never get back. I know these things don't make me, but it was a part of me.
I have another surgery on June 11th. After that, I can start radiation. I'm already trying to figure out how to fight back during that process. Five days a week for 5 weeks they will zap my ass. They said I will have burns on my chest and it will cause fatigue. Wow, more fatigue. I want my life back, so I endure this bullshit and keep fighting. This journey is not for the weak, I must say. It's for the strong and if you're not strong, you will be when it's all said and done. Trust me, I get tired but I know I have to keep pushing. So, I wipe my own tears and run my own head because I know that JOY comes in the morning! #thinkpink all day, every day!
Lisa
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My Walk is My Story

It's been a minute since I've been on here.  I've been taking one day at a time.  I'm now 13 Chemos down, with only 3 left to go.  My Co-Worker told me, what I've known for a while.......I was chosen for this walk.  The things in life that use to bother me doesn't anymore.  Life is too short to worry about the small stuff.  I was at a restaurant last week and the waiter spilled this sauce all over my leather jacket.  My friend looked at me, waiting for me to explode.  The waiter frantically began to clean the mess up and I just looked at him and smiled.  It's a jacket, thats all.  I'm dealing with bigger things in life, like CANCER.  I can get a new jacket or maybe get that cleaned, but this life of mine comes only once.  So I smile and I keep it rolling.

I thought about the day I sat on my mom's couch last December and cried.  I kept saying, 'I can't do this anymore.'  I remember how much pain I was in and how bad I wanted this whole ordeal to be a dream but it wasn't.  Today I stand here with a smile because I'm almost done with Phase 1 (Chemo Treatment).  I don't even concentrate on the next Phase.  The days I feel bad, I thank God because he choose me.  He knew I could do it.  He surrounded an army of folks around me.  He supplied my needs :-)  Someone said that they would never guess what I was going through if I wasn't bald.  She said, I'm always smiling.  I can tell you that I've smiled more than I've cried in the past 5 months.  I dealt with my hair being gone, no energy, weight gain, burning head sensations, dehydration, black nails, no eyebrows, a relationship that wasn't supportive to my needs and people who fell off the journey but was going strong in the beginning and through it all, I SMILE because he choose me.   Being a child of God doesn't necessarily mean you walk this straight walk.  I don't live a perfect life but I treat people right.  I truly love my neighbor.  I know who directs my life and I accept that.

Whitney Houston died and I cried.  I cried because she was a beautiful person that had a demon riding her back that she couldn't shake.  I cried because her journey was hard and painful for her.  God called her home because it was her time.  She was tired.  I realize that God can call us at any time.  It doesn't have an age, sickness, time, or number on it.  It's just his time and thats the right time.  If God was to call me home tomorrow, or tonight, or whenever, please know that I'm ok with the life I've lived.  I know I have made my presence known with so many.  I know that I have contributed to so many lives that I'm comfortable with saying, at the age of 42, my living has not been in vain.  I pray God allows me to live a long life and I know there is a lot of work to be done.  I believe he has allowed me to go through this journey to help others and thats what I planned to do.  I'm a different person now.  I'm stronger and wiser and a little smarter :-)  I was always compassionate and caring but now I know pain and struggle.  This is My Walk and My Walk is My Story.  Stand by me, support me, lift me up because at the end of the day, it's not about me.  It's about the people that God wants me to help.  My tears are now tears of joy.  I'm fighting and I'm fighting hard.  Round 1 is about to be over and then I welcome Round 2.

March 7th is the last Chemo Treatment.

Thanks my friends, family, co-workers, and strangers that cross my path for helping me get through each day, one day at a time.

Taking One Day at a Time

Lately I've been taking things slow.  Trying not to get excited about stuff and trying not to get down about others.  I'm at my half way mark with my chemo treatment and I finally see the light.  I'm taking it one day at a time, meaning one chemo session at a time.  My spirits have been up.  I haven't cried in a while.  Life just has been treating me good because things could have been worst. I met a lady at the hospital who told me that her sister had a lump that she didn't go get checked.  One year later, she finally went to see about it and it turn out to be stage 4 cancer and they gave her 3 months to live.  She says that every time she visits her sister, she tells her that she's ready to go.  She's tired of living.  At that point, I tell God, Thank You!  It could have been worst.  I see people at the hospital with no one supporting them.  I thank God because he gave me an army of folks.  I look into my eyes (via mirror) and I smile because I see peace.  I see a woman that refuses to get tired of fighting.  I smile when I don't want to, I laugh when I want to cry and I sing (terrible singer) when I feel my spirit getting down. I look up when I need to be reminded of who is directing my life.  My heart is filled with joy and love.  Each day is a day toward VICTORY and I rejoice in advance!  I'm planning my celebration because VICTORY is already mine!  Living this life I live is not easy but God knows it could have been harder!

Lisa