Conversation with my daughter

Right before I picked Liyah up from school, John Hopkins called.  It was the Spine Surgeon's office scheduling my appointment.  My last visit I was informed that my bone was crumbling and sitting on the bottom of my back bone.  Something like that.  My doctor talked to me about surgery, putting cement in my back.  When I hung the phone up, I immediately got sad.  I don't want anymore surgery. I don't want air hitting my insides because I believe that when the cancer really spreads.  I held back the tears as Liyah got in the car.  I didn't want her to know how scared I was.  She immediately asked me what was wrong and as a tear fell, I told her.  She grabbed my hand and said, 'don't worry mom. You are the strongest person I know. We are going to pray each night until your surgery.  If this is God's plan, we have to be ok with that.'  I was at awe with her response.  For her to think I'm the strongest person she knows is so unbelievable because I think that of her.  She knows my situation and she continues to keep her spirit high and make sure that I'm ok.  She is my rock!  I know that I'm loved but the love that she gives me is unexplainable.  When I told Shan, all she could do was say, thats my baby.  She doesn't surprise us at all.  We know Liyah is amazing.  Between, Liyah, my mom and Shan, how can I bow my head.  With the army I have around me, how can I not claim victory.  With God constantly reminding me that he is in control, how can I not live my life to the fullest.  I wipe these tears and I dare the devil to come for me.  He can't win with this army.

Still Fighting!

I'm sitting here outside a resort in Connecticut thinking about my journey and how I've handled it thus far. I spent some nights crying and I spent some praising God. Most of my nights I felt lonely as if I was fighting this fight alone. No one really knew how I felt, just God and me. When everyone went home and my phone stopped going off, it was just me and God. I wanted to lay on someone's lap while they rub my bald head, just to let me know that they are here by my side. I wanted someone to wipe my tears when my mind wondered. It was those nights when I felt alone. I'm so glad that joy came in the morning! I would wake up with a new attitude. I am determined to not let this cancer control my spirit. I can't even explain how I felt and the discomfort I was in. When I try, tears form because the pain of it all still lingers in my heart and mind. My Good Friend Sandy said that I will forget the bad stuff one day. I can't imagine ever forgetting that pain. I lost a lot of things during this journey and some I'll never get back. I know these things don't make me, but it was a part of me.
I have another surgery on June 11th. After that, I can start radiation. I'm already trying to figure out how to fight back during that process. Five days a week for 5 weeks they will zap my ass. They said I will have burns on my chest and it will cause fatigue. Wow, more fatigue. I want my life back, so I endure this bullshit and keep fighting. This journey is not for the weak, I must say. It's for the strong and if you're not strong, you will be when it's all said and done. Trust me, I get tired but I know I have to keep pushing. So, I wipe my own tears and run my own head because I know that JOY comes in the morning! #thinkpink all day, every day!
Lisa
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