Conversation with my daughter

Right before I picked Liyah up from school, John Hopkins called.  It was the Spine Surgeon's office scheduling my appointment.  My last visit I was informed that my bone was crumbling and sitting on the bottom of my back bone.  Something like that.  My doctor talked to me about surgery, putting cement in my back.  When I hung the phone up, I immediately got sad.  I don't want anymore surgery. I don't want air hitting my insides because I believe that when the cancer really spreads.  I held back the tears as Liyah got in the car.  I didn't want her to know how scared I was.  She immediately asked me what was wrong and as a tear fell, I told her.  She grabbed my hand and said, 'don't worry mom. You are the strongest person I know. We are going to pray each night until your surgery.  If this is God's plan, we have to be ok with that.'  I was at awe with her response.  For her to think I'm the strongest person she knows is so unbelievable because I think that of her.  She knows my situation and she continues to keep her spirit high and make sure that I'm ok.  She is my rock!  I know that I'm loved but the love that she gives me is unexplainable.  When I told Shan, all she could do was say, thats my baby.  She doesn't surprise us at all.  We know Liyah is amazing.  Between, Liyah, my mom and Shan, how can I bow my head.  With the army I have around me, how can I not claim victory.  With God constantly reminding me that he is in control, how can I not live my life to the fullest.  I wipe these tears and I dare the devil to come for me.  He can't win with this army.

Body Scans

I'm scared of those body scans, aka PET scan. I shake and cry through the whole thing which takes hours. I try sing, visually take my mind to the islands and nothing works, so I cry and shake. I beg to my heavenly father to please get me out but allow them to get the pics they needs to find any cancer that may be floating around looking for a place to land. I don't hate a lot of things but I body scans and I hate cancer. I'm human and I'm woman enough to tell the truth about my fears. I'm going to pray God removes that fear from my heart an d mind and believe that he will do it.