The Red Devil!

This is what they call the Red Devil! One of two chemo meds they are pumping in my body to kill Cancer. It's poison! This is what will take my hair out.




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I Did It!

Well, one Chemo Treatment down, 15 to go.  It wasn't as bad I thought it would be.  I took it like a soldier!  The port was the boom. I didn't feel a thing go through my veins. The meds gave me a headache and I was quite dizzy but all else was ok, bareable.  My good sista/friend Cynthia went with me and what I didn't hear through the process, she captured it. My friends and family have just been great.  Even old classmates (Facebook) have been off da chain with assistance and words of encouragement.  Social Networking is great for a lot of things.  It has been good for me.  *Shout out to Keda and Patrice for the face mask!  Tierra was ready to mail me some from Norfolk. (all smiles)  Lemon and Mint Tea have been my friend for my headaches (Thanks Drea!)  Been eating the Bananas, Apples and Applesauce Miyoshi brought over just because.  I didn't know I needed it but I did.  Right on time!  When your friends and family say they got your back, mine mean it!  They have my back.

So, I'm working from home today and I have plenty to do.  It's nice to stay focused on something else then Cancer.  I have to be cautious because the chemo attacks your white blood cells. If my temperature rise above 100.4, I have a 4 hour window to contact my doctors for an emergency or I can lose my life.  Its a sign of an infection in my blood stream.  I've been checking my temperature throughout the day.  Cancer will not kill me, I'd be damn if a blood infection do it.  I'm just saying..... BTW.....I lost some small amount of hair but not on my head yet, so I'm ok.  Hopefully we'll make it to November 5th for the hair cut!

Lastly, last night I recieved a few texts from my 14 year old stepson, Jordan.  He's an honor student at St. John's College/HS. ( I had to throw that out.)  Anyway, he brought tears to my eyes.  He calls me: LeLe and he asked how I was doing.  When I responded that I was good and fighting and I told him I loved him, he responded: 'love u too but what the doc say?'  lol  I have to remember he's 14 now so I broke it down to him and he said, he'll be checking on me and to hang in there!  I love my kids!  All of them!

I have my boots strapped for a good fight!  I'm in good spirit and I believe that I have the strength of superman.  My daughter gives me purpose and my heart beats by the grace of God!  I don't sleep much but I won't conplain because at the end of this battle, I'll get as much sleep as I need. 

Let me get back to my work! Follow me on this blog!  I wonder how many followers I can get :-)  I love you guys and keep praying for me.  For all those who are going through what I'm going through, strap up and keep the faith.  It's ok to cry but wipe your tears and smile because God has your back.  Prayer works and whatever his plan is for you, be ok with it.  I'm ok with it!

My Port!

My neck was killing me yesterday but I'm feeling better! Headed to my first chemo in an hour. Let's do this!




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Chemo Port Day! Yay!

Today's the the day I get my port put in. This is a small surgery that will put a small instrument under my skin so that getting my IV each time will be easy. No sticking me each week for chemo. Stick that in my port! This hospital is huge. My mom and I had searched for a particular department for 30 damn minutes. WTF! I got stuck in an elevator and almost panicked. My doctor called to tell me that the cancer is in 2 lymph nodes under my left underarm. I ended up at the chapel by accident. (wrong turn) Lastly, the lady just asked me if I had a living will. Really? Reality check, this shit is serious. I just want my Port put in and go home and eat. I haven't eaten since 11:30 pm last night. I'm angry now! This negative stuff will not get me down!


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Isn't It Amazing

Today I had a conversation with two different people about how many people care about me.  I think they were surprised to hear my response.  I've been so blessed to be able to meet so many people and God has allowed me to make some kind of positive impression.  People speak and I don't even know who they are but they know me.  I get hugs from those who've known me for only a short while.  I get nice notes from people who knows someone that knows me.  It's God's doing!  He has given me a personality that allows others to love the person I am.  I've been hard on some but only because I wanted the best for them.  I've been extremely nice to others because sometimes, they needed someone like me.  It's not being conceited or over confident.  It's knowing what God has blessed me with a gift and I'm using it wisely.  I'm humbled by his grace and mercy.  I'm not a perfect person nor have I ever betrayed to be.  I'm who I am because he allowed me to be.  This journey has a purpose and for the past 4 days I've been just OK.  I think I'm mentally preparing without really saying that I'm mentally preparing, if that made sense. lol  Somehow, I'm a little stronger than I was yesterday.  I know I have more mental break downs but for now, I'm ready.

He holds my hand in the darkest hours and I praise him on the brightest of days.  I may curse and sin but at the end of the day, my good out weighs my bad and I truly believe God knows my heart.  It's made of Gold if you haven't heard.  Each hug that I receive, I hold on tight because I believe it's really him who's hugging me. I love my family, job, friends and friend's friends.  I love all the people I've worked with throughout the years because they have allowed me to be me and to help them get to where they need to be.  I've learned some valuable lessons.  It's going to be a combination of my friends, family, and associates to get me through this.  Cancer is going to be mad at me!

'Why'

I said I wasn't going to ask 'Why' but I did today. It was a rough day for me.  My mother and I went to John Hopkins for and ultrasound (underarm) and a breast MRI.  The ultrasound was easy but then he unexpectedly did a biopsy where he cut and pulled some cells around the tissue surrounding two lymph nodes.  He gave me the option of doing it and I told him to go for it. It wasn't bad and I felt it was necessary.  I had to wait a few hours to take a MRI.  Thats where they put you in that small tube for 45 minutes and you can't move. I'm scared to be closed in.  I had two valium and I took them as describe but it didn't help.  I cried, my heart raced and I asked my mom, 'Why Me? Why Me Mom?' I'm good to people, I love my neighbor, I help others and I don't have any enemies.  She just looked at me and said it would be ok and I said, no it won't.  I didn't take the MRI.  I panicked. I came home and went to sleep.  Today I felt alone and I know, I have so many people supporting me but today I felt alone and sad.  No smiles or laughter, just sadness.  I feel like I'm shutting down and it's hard.  It really hard. I sit in this room and wonder, why but I know I wasn't suppose to ask that.  But today I did. Believing he's going to work it out but not understanding how am I going to find the strength to withstand the things I'm going to have to go through to get better.  I'm sorry, I'm having a moment and I need God!  I need comfort and someone to stroke my hair and tell me, I'm with you.

I sleep with fear, knowing the end is not near. I love with hope while holding on to life's rope. No wanting to let go, having faith that God knows.....that I can't do this alone.

Mountaintop with Friends

Today or rather yesterday, we took a road trip to New York to see a play. I purchased the tickets months ago and wasn't sure if I really wanted to go after everything that is going on. I felt like I needed to rest but at the same time, I knew the friends who were going with me, would make me laugh. We had a ball on our way up there and once the play started, my reality sat in. The play was about Martin Luther King Jr.'s last day on earth and him not wanting to die because he had so much more work to do on earth and he didn't want to die alone or leave his kids. I got ready to cry because that's my fear, dying. I try to stay positive but I can't lie, I think the worst sometimes. On the drive home, I cried while driving. I was singing, I give myself away and I cried. In the play Dr. King talked to God and tried to convince him/her that he wasn't ready and should stay. At that point I understood God's point of view. There will never be a right time. You just have to live for today and be ready to meet your God on any given day. I wonder what our conversation will be.

This disease just keeps growing and I want it gone! They had to reschedule the MRI for Wednesday (waiting on insurance approval) the same day I was to start my chemo treatment. Now that's going to be pushed back. I need something to happen now. I want to live, if not for a little while longer. I got the message of the play and I wonder if that was a message for me. God has been preparing me for this journey and I wonder if this is a part of his preparation. Two days of tears. I just want to fight and get it over with so I can live again without the fear of f'ing cancer killing me. I'm scared! Period! But I know I have to do what I have to do.

Peace be still. Calm my mind and soothe my soul. Let me smile again without crying within. Please!


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My Baby's Daddy!

He said, 'I got your back.' He said, 'I love you and we are forever connected.' He said, 'You my baby momma.' and I laughed out loud.  God blessed me with a wonderful friend and he is a great father to our child. He stands tall with a gentle smile and he loves his kids and me. Yes, he loves me!  When two people bring a life into this world and can co-parent with that one goal in mind and that is to be the best parents God will have us to be, it's a beautiful thing. He makes me mad sometimes but it only last a minute. I make him mad sometimes but it only last a minute. We talk about everything and I do mean everything because at the end of the day, he not just my child's father or ex-husband, he's my friend.  He told me today that he has the right to be real with me, so deal with it.  This man and I do mean, MAN, said, if he could take on this cancer and the treatment to spare me the pain and suffering, he would.  Guess what, I believe him.  He told me I can lean on him and he got me.  We cry together, we laugh together and we will fight together in this journey.  Any other loves in my life will just have to understand that this man is not just my Baby's Daddy, he's my friend.  I thank God for blessing me with such a gentle giant. We understand that things happen for the best and regardless of the road we take there are some things that will never change. I know he feels scared sometimes and it's natural. What I love about him and that he's not scared to say it.  This support system that God has blessed me with is off the chain. I'm so blessed that if by chance something happens to me, my daughter is in great hands and he will tell great stories about me. This is just my reality but I plan on being around for a long ass time. lol 

Note:  Sometimes we as women have to give our kid's father credit when credit is due and not just when he F's up. 

Cheers to you Mr. Tyner (Liyah's Daddy and my Baby Daddy, lol)

Anxiety

Yesterday I chose John Hopkins Hospital to help me through my journey.  Man, I was so impressed with their doctors.  The Surgical Oncologist walked in the room with swag.  I call him my Vanilla Jay Z!  I felt like they cared about me and about my cancer.  I left those appointments feeling like we were going to whip Cancer's ass!  yep! My spirits were way up!  They scheduled me to meet with the Medical Oncologist. I call her the Drug Doctor.  She was truly prepared for my visit.  She had notes written out for me and she drew diagrams to explain what the heck I had and how it was growing in my body.  She told me that my cancer is growing at a fast rate and my hormones are feeding that little sucker. lol  She's going to start me on Chemotherapy before they do surgery.  When I asked, 'when', she said next week. My heart dropped and reality smacked my ass in the face again. I have CANCER! WTF  It doesn't seem real but it is as real as it gets.  Six weeks of Chemo for the next 12 weeks.  I guess I need to prepare.  The thought of having these drugs dumped into my body to kill cancer is scary. It will destroy my white blood cells. I can't be around germs. They said I may get sick, feel extremely tired, my hair will fall out but it will kill the cancer. I guess the battle begins and I'm ready.  I think I may announce to my friends to meet me at the barbershop to cut my locs next week.  We can all wear pink and celebrate a new chapter. We can take over the barbershop and at the same time, bring awareness to this disease.  I think that will be hot! :-)

I need to prepare my daughter but I think she's ready to be my helper.  God, you are in control and I'm walking by Faith!

My Angel

Thank you God for bringing Djuana to me.  She's been there and done that and she knows just want to say.  I'm grateful!

Our Weekend has come to an end!

I woke up early this morning as if my mind and body knew that I was headed back to reality.  I didn't sleep much for the first time here but it was cool.  I was able to connect more with God while here in Deep Creek and for someone like me who rarely shows emotions (tears), I cried.  We shared our lives this weekend and it made me feel more connected to my sistahs.  We each gave a word to describe the weekend and mine was, "NEEDED"!  I needed this, we needed this.  I said I was scared and thats the truth.  But today, I feel like a true fighter because my circle of friends and family believe in me and God didn't make no punk!  lol  I go to John Hopkins on Tuesday and I believe in my heart that God will allow me to select a hospital on that day so that I can move forward.  If you have a friend or family member that is going through what I'm going through, lift them up in prayer and reach out.  My words to my sistah's were, I know that people will drop off the map as this journey continues.  It's my reality and I'm ok with it. I just don't want those who are important to me to fall off.  Fight this battle with me and don't leave me alone when I need you the most. Call, text and visit me. Tell me a joke and lets laugh when I want to cry.  Just don't fall off the map.  I love my friends, associates, co-workers and most of all my family.  God has blessed me with a serious support system.  Thank You God for a marvelous weekend!  I feel recharged!

I Broke Down

We were chillin and having a good time then all of a sudden, I broke down. I wanted to ask 'why me?' but I held it back. I just hurt inside. God knows I'm good to people, I'm loving and I'm kind. There's got to be a reason why. My heart cries out and I know he hears me. It's just hard. Where's the cure and why are so many women dying of this disease? Many survive but why do others have to die? I'm going to Luce but I wonder about the others. This life I live is crazy. That's why I try to enjoy today because tomorrow is not promised. I give myself away so he can use me! That's the truth! I'm praying and the good part is, I know he hears me. God, my heart cries out to you!

Sister Circle: We Hate Cancer Retreat! It's ok to say that!

The Need to Connect

I'm sitting here in Deep Creek with my sistah circle and thinking about the many blessings God has given me.  Who am I to complain? I needed this time with these women.  We laughed, cried and man did we party and we still have tonight and tomorrow left.  I think I danced so hard yesterday, I lost 5 lbs. lol Did I forget I had cancer, nope but for the moment I decided not to think about it. I took a nap today and I haven't slept good since the day I found out what I was dealing with.  I look forward to another nap tomorrow :-) Believe it or not, I'm just ready to have them to cut this tumor out, remove my breast, remove the cancerous lymph nods, reconstruct my breast and then lets get with the radiation and chemo. The fear of losing a part of my body is small compared to the opportunity to live longer. My motto today is:  I want to live Lord! So I fight!

2nd Opinion in Motion

Today I went to visit St. Agnes Hospital to meet with a team of doctors for a second opinion.  My good friend Jai is a doctor there and she recommended them.  My friend and sistah, Rosa took off work to go with me.  This is when I thank God for blessing me with good friends like her.  I learned a few things that my original doctor didn't tell me.  I learned that there are 2 lymph nods in my left underarm that doesn't look great, meaning they have the possibility of caring this disease.  I learned that I'm a grade 3 patient and that means I will have to have chemo to treat this.  I also learned that I have to have radiation. I original doctor said I didn't but oh well.  Whatever I have to do to survive.  I also learned that my tumor is 1.5 - 2 inches large which is big.  Every place I called for second opinions asked if I had a MRI and I would say no.  I wonder why my doctor never ordered a MRI?  interesting.... St. Agnes seems to be a nice hospital with very nice employees.  One doctor thought Rosa was my mother.  LMAO, I almost died.  Rosa was like, Really? lol  Too funny! Today was a good day because I learned a lot and I'm alive.  John Hopkins is next!  Can't wait!

PET Scan that scared the mess out of me. Cyn wiped my tears!

 35 minutes in a scan, shoot me next time! lol

Sistah Circle

Another night up until the early morning hours watching Sunday's Best on Demand :-)  I've been thinking about my dynamic Sistah Circle.  They are a group of women that have become so important to me.  These women are unselfish and God Fearing.  At any moment, I can pick the phone up and dial one of the numbers and get someone that is willing to talk, laugh or just listen no matter the time or moment.  We planned a weekend trip to Deep Creek this weekend and I'm looking forward to being in the mountains and laughing with these women.  (I've been wavering on whether I should go or not but I'm going.)  I'm sure we will be laughing, dancing, drinking, praying and doing a lot of hugging.  The conversations will be stimulating :-)  God had planned this whole thing out, to prepare me for what was about to happen.  The trip will be timely for me.  I love these women and I thank God for allowing each of them to cross my path.  Each one of them has their own value to my mental and spiritual health.  Theres no judgement in our group, just love and respect.  This journey is our journey and I'm finally accepting that.  They won't have any other way.  I hope someone knows how to make a margarita in the mountains. lol  (I'm going to miss RW on this one.  She's my silent warrior.)  SN: Djuana is my Hero!  She's a survivor and I appreciate her wealth of knowledge.

My Moments

Today I had a moment. Thats when I break down and cry. I was driving home and I started to scream. Tears fell as I recited a poem that had just came to mind. I was talking to God and thanking him for everything. I told him that one part of me was angry and scared. The devil was making me feel defeated before I even had a chance to fight. I'm so scared of leaving my daughter in this world without me, so I let him (devil) mess with my mind. My smiles and my writing has helped me in so many ways. I know people think that I'm handling this disease with ease. God is allowing to have good moments but sometime I feel overwhelmed that I can't think. I have so much to do to prepare for this surgery and the treatment afterwards. My daughter's dance class started 2 weeks ago and I haven't enrolled her nor have I bought her dance stuff yet. I'm so occupied with finding ways to survive physically and mentally that I forgot about keeping life normal for Liyah. I got to get it together. I have so many good days that this was my first really rough moment. I'm trying to keep my Faith strong but I'm human.


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Therapeutic to My Soul!

Today I decided to start my blog.  I've been journalizing via Facebook but I thought this would be even better after seeing another page that has helped me already in my journey.  My name is Lisa and at the age of 42, I have Breast Cancer.  2011 was the first time I ever had a mammogram.  I was always scared of finding out that I would have breast cancer, so I delayed.  A friend encouraged me to get my mammogram in February 2011 when I told her of my fear and the fact that I had not gone and done it yet.  This is where my story began.  Two mammograms and 2 biopsies later, I have the BIG C!  Follow me through my journey.