'Why'

I said I wasn't going to ask 'Why' but I did today. It was a rough day for me.  My mother and I went to John Hopkins for and ultrasound (underarm) and a breast MRI.  The ultrasound was easy but then he unexpectedly did a biopsy where he cut and pulled some cells around the tissue surrounding two lymph nodes.  He gave me the option of doing it and I told him to go for it. It wasn't bad and I felt it was necessary.  I had to wait a few hours to take a MRI.  Thats where they put you in that small tube for 45 minutes and you can't move. I'm scared to be closed in.  I had two valium and I took them as describe but it didn't help.  I cried, my heart raced and I asked my mom, 'Why Me? Why Me Mom?' I'm good to people, I love my neighbor, I help others and I don't have any enemies.  She just looked at me and said it would be ok and I said, no it won't.  I didn't take the MRI.  I panicked. I came home and went to sleep.  Today I felt alone and I know, I have so many people supporting me but today I felt alone and sad.  No smiles or laughter, just sadness.  I feel like I'm shutting down and it's hard.  It really hard. I sit in this room and wonder, why but I know I wasn't suppose to ask that.  But today I did. Believing he's going to work it out but not understanding how am I going to find the strength to withstand the things I'm going to have to go through to get better.  I'm sorry, I'm having a moment and I need God!  I need comfort and someone to stroke my hair and tell me, I'm with you.

I sleep with fear, knowing the end is not near. I love with hope while holding on to life's rope. No wanting to let go, having faith that God knows.....that I can't do this alone.