Today or rather yesterday, we took a road trip to New York to see a play. I purchased the tickets months ago and wasn't sure if I really wanted to go after everything that is going on. I felt like I needed to rest but at the same time, I knew the friends who were going with me, would make me laugh. We had a ball on our way up there and once the play started, my reality sat in. The play was about Martin Luther King Jr.'s last day on earth and him not wanting to die because he had so much more work to do on earth and he didn't want to die alone or leave his kids. I got ready to cry because that's my fear, dying. I try to stay positive but I can't lie, I think the worst sometimes. On the drive home, I cried while driving. I was singing, I give myself away and I cried. In the play Dr. King talked to God and tried to convince him/her that he wasn't ready and should stay. At that point I understood God's point of view. There will never be a right time. You just have to live for today and be ready to meet your God on any given day. I wonder what our conversation will be.
This disease just keeps growing and I want it gone! They had to reschedule the MRI for Wednesday (waiting on insurance approval) the same day I was to start my chemo treatment. Now that's going to be pushed back. I need something to happen now. I want to live, if not for a little while longer. I got the message of the play and I wonder if that was a message for me. God has been preparing me for this journey and I wonder if this is a part of his preparation. Two days of tears. I just want to fight and get it over with so I can live again without the fear of f'ing cancer killing me. I'm scared! Period! But I know I have to do what I have to do.
Peace be still. Calm my mind and soothe my soul. Let me smile again without crying within. Please!
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