Stop Playing with Fire!

It's been a while since I've been on here.  I've been quietly getting my life back together. All the chemo and radiation treatments are complete. One more surgery and my body can really start to heal.  I'm taking a drug call Tamoxifen.  I don't want to but I know it will help in my survival.  To be honest, I've been half way taking the pill. I'm suppose to take it every night for the next 5 years.  Well, I went almost a week without taking it and all hell broke out.  I hadn't seen Mary in almost a year and but she showed up and showed off. OMG (Ladies you know what I'm talking about::-) )  It was crazy so I decided to read up on the Tamoxifen.  It stated that if I stopped the drug, that would happen. Man, I popped that pill so fast. lol Terrible reason to do what I'm suppose to do but I'm just being honest.  I don't think I've been taking this survival thing serious enough. I stopped eating right, half way exercising, not resting, etc.  I've been acting like I don't have to fight a beast that wants to still my joy. 

I got a wake up call today.  A good friend who is a survivor, is facing another battle. I forgot that Breast Cancer can mestastasize in other areas of your body.  She's facing that fear and thats my wake up call.  This is the same woman who walked me through my process and wiped my tears when I cried.  She allowed me show her my fears and it was ok with her because she knew the battle I was facing.  I'm praying up for her and I know that God has her back.  I'm going to get on the right track because I never want to fight another fight like that.  I urge all of my followers to adjust your lifestyle.  Build your wall!

Still Fighting!

I'm sitting here outside a resort in Connecticut thinking about my journey and how I've handled it thus far. I spent some nights crying and I spent some praising God. Most of my nights I felt lonely as if I was fighting this fight alone. No one really knew how I felt, just God and me. When everyone went home and my phone stopped going off, it was just me and God. I wanted to lay on someone's lap while they rub my bald head, just to let me know that they are here by my side. I wanted someone to wipe my tears when my mind wondered. It was those nights when I felt alone. I'm so glad that joy came in the morning! I would wake up with a new attitude. I am determined to not let this cancer control my spirit. I can't even explain how I felt and the discomfort I was in. When I try, tears form because the pain of it all still lingers in my heart and mind. My Good Friend Sandy said that I will forget the bad stuff one day. I can't imagine ever forgetting that pain. I lost a lot of things during this journey and some I'll never get back. I know these things don't make me, but it was a part of me.
I have another surgery on June 11th. After that, I can start radiation. I'm already trying to figure out how to fight back during that process. Five days a week for 5 weeks they will zap my ass. They said I will have burns on my chest and it will cause fatigue. Wow, more fatigue. I want my life back, so I endure this bullshit and keep fighting. This journey is not for the weak, I must say. It's for the strong and if you're not strong, you will be when it's all said and done. Trust me, I get tired but I know I have to keep pushing. So, I wipe my own tears and run my own head because I know that JOY comes in the morning! #thinkpink all day, every day!
Lisa
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A text message from a friend!

My Dear Lisa; if someone took your journey in the past five years away from you, how strong would your faith be today? Who would you be? Where would you be?

I responded: Gosh, that's a deep question because God knows this journey has increased my faith, shown me strength I've never known and has made me a more humbled person. I'm thankful for this journey. May my walk benefit someone else's struggle by knowing that if I can make it, they can make it too! Love you Will Kane!

I love this man! He is a steady friend and I appreciate him.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Post Surgery

On April 11th, I had my surgery.  On that day, my spirits were up and I was ready to go.  When I walk in the back with the nurse, I looked backed at my mom with no fear in my eyes.  I woke up some time later and it was over.  My friend Jennifer and her daughter came to support my mother and I.  You don't know how much I appreciated that.  Later that evening my BFF and friend came, Ne'Ne and Shan.  They stayed until 2:00 am and I had to make them go home.  They love me :-) The pain I was in, was unbelievable.  I didn't expect it to hurt like that but it did.  It's been over a week and I still can't do for myself.  I'm in constant pain and I have 4 tubes coming out that bugs the mess out of me.  It just feels like I've been through so much in the past 2 years.  I had an accident on the softball field and broke multiple bones in my face and I lost sight in one eye.  I walk around with permanent nerve damage and 2 plates in my face.  I fell in love and tried so hard to make my mate happy because I thought that their happiness  would make me happy.  I had to give in and walk away and the events of that relationship still hurts.  I got into a crazy relationship after that and it was unbelievable. I had to run from that but it was a lesson learned.  I learned I had cancer and so far I've endure 16 chemo treatments and invasive surgery. I still have 5 weeks of radiation to go. I had someone befriend me while going through my cancer battle and they stole from me. Throughout it all, I kept smiling when others would have folded.  Four friends died within the last 3 weeks.  Someone told me this weekend that I don't make them laugh. How do I make someone laugh when so much is happening in my life.  I don't laugh much anymore.  No one really knows what I've been through and continue to go through.  I try and push myself to make others happy and the whole time, I'm in pain but I suck it and don't complain. Thats me always trying to please others.

Tonight, I'm sitting here reflecting on my life and choices.  I feel like I'm always trying to make someone's day and no one thinks about making mine. I choose my words carefully and other's don't have a filter.  I have so many friends but at times I feel so lonely and helpless.  My daughter asked me again today, Mom when will this be over?  I am a problem solver and to have to deal with all of this, I'm not in control and that kills me.  I'm a strong woman and tonight I feel weak.  Searching for answers unknown has been my quest. I've been trying to get ahead of the game but its hard.  I have so much respect for the women who have come before me. I'm half way there but boy this fight is not easy.  I still have to deal with the rest of life's ups and downs.  Damn, that shit is not right!

I want to go back to work, I want to laugh, I want to be able to have others enjoy being around me because of the joy surrounds me, I want to do my daughter's hair with no pain, I want to take her to the mall and shop, get our nails done and catch a movie without me pressing pass the pain to do it.  I want to go to a club and dance the night away because I LOVE to dance.  I want to be able to celebrate my friend's birthdays and accomplishments and not miss it because I'm too sick to go. I'm ranting because I feel like it.  Don't take it as if I'm giving up because I'm NOT. Sometimes I gotta say some shit to keep it going.  This is real talk and sometimes its the stuff people don't want to hear but it's real.  On June 9th I turn 43 and because of the things I've been through and are going through, I'm going to celebrate.  Most importantly, I'm going to get on my knees thank God for another year on earth.

So, now let me start researching on how to recover faster from the surgery. Radiation starts in one week. Thats 5 days a week for 5 weeks.  I gotta be strong to endure this, so I'm going to eat better then before.  Where are my veggies?

#thinkpink

Lisa

The Journey Continues with Part 2

Well, it's finally that time for surgery. I'm due to be at John Hopkins at 1:00 on April 11th.  So much has happened the last few weeks. My friend died of cancer, I had a person who befriended me that stole from me during my battle, my car broke down, my doctor's appointments were so crazy and my body has been showing the effects of 16 sessions of chemo.  Thats just a lot but still, I smile.

I won't lie, I cried a few days last week. I couldn't sleep because so much was on my mind.  The closer I get to my surgery date, the more sadder I became.  I know that this is just another step toward VICTORY and I know I choose LIFE but still, it's sad.  Tomorrow will be life changing for me and as I type this, tears form in my eyes. I'm not scared but I'm mad that I have to go through this.  My daughter was so sad yesterday when we talked about the surgery. She asked if this was going to be the end of it all and I said, NO. Theres radiation and more surgery to come but when its all said and done, mommy will be healthy and ready to roll. So, I'm mad because my daughter suffers from my journey as well. She's scared and I'm helpless. Each day I tell her I love her and I fight for her. So I pull my shoulders back, wipe the tears, ball up my fist and prepare to continue on this road to VICTORY.

At 1:00 pm tomorrow, I will be at John Hopkins for my surgery. I will come home on Thursday. I'm ok with my choices because one of them is LIFE.

Lisa

Message to my friends!

Good Morning!

I just want to let you guys know that tomorrow is my last chemo treatment.  I will have completed 16 treatments and God knows I’m smiling right now.  I am half way through my battle and I feel blessed that God choose me.  He knew I was strong enough to endure and companionate enough to help others who are experiencing this as well.  I can tell you that it has not been easy but what can the devil do when I have so many people praying for me.  So I just wanted to tell you guys, thank you for all your prayers, love, text messages, emails, silent thoughts and phone calls.  Thank you for thinking about me when you have your own trials and tribulations going on.  I ask that you continue your prayers for me and all of my doctors at John Hopkins.  8:00 tomorrow morning, think about me.  I'll be starting my lab work with a smile because that will be the last time they pump that poison in my body :-)  (note:  That poison is killing my cancer and that I'm thankful for.)

Thank you for being apart of my army!  We still have some fighting to do but thank God, we're getting closer to the end.

I love my family, friends, co-workers, facebook and twitter family, strangers and those lovely, talented and gifted doctors and nurses at John Hopkins!  Let's keep doing what we do and thats whipping Cancer's ass!

Shout out to One Love Softball Team, Saints Softball Team, Ebenezer AME and all my co-workers at OWER/NIH.  (you would think I was on the radio but I had to do that :-) lol )  My job has just been amazing!  I'm truly blessed because everyone can not say the same.

I'm so excited!  Let's Go!

Lisa

Tears of Joy!!!!

So today I came home from work early.  I'm not feeling well and I think the chemo is taking a toll on my body.  I don't have much energy and I don't sleep at night.  I push myself so hard because I don't want Cancer to have the upper hand on me.  I cried while talking to my supervisor today.  I told her that I was plain tired.  5 months of this has been hard and I'm tired.  She told me to go home and take care of me.  I really didn't want to but I'm tired and my head burns all the time.  So, I'm home laying down and I get an email from my friend Towanda Bryant.  She sent me a Spa Gift Card and I just laid here and cried.  I say this all the time but I'm so serious.  I feel so blessed to have the friends I have.  Out the blue, they make my day.  They send me notes of encouragement, they stop by my house, they cook for me, send me cards, rub my back and just check on me.  I sometimes feel overwhelmed because I feel so loved by so many.  These tears of mine lately, has been tears of joy.  I'm thankful and humble.

Leon just told me, I needed to go to a spa.  Towanda gave me that push, so I'm going to go right after my last chemo treatment next week.  Shout out to all my friends!  You keep lifting me up and up and up and I thank you!

Lisa

I Found Another Lump

Today I woke up excited because I knew I was getting closer to my 14th chemo treatment.  All of a sudden my day didn't start right because I found a lump under my arm this morning and it was big.  I guess now I should be worried about everything I find on my body or every feeling that just doesn't feel right.  I decided not to worry about it.  I'll inform my doctor tomorrow while at chemo and I already turned it over to God.  I can only do so much.  I'm fighting as hard as I can.  So whatever comes my way, so be it.  I'm standing tough, knowing God has my back.  I pray that we are on track and that there will be no set backs.  Heal my body Lord!  Heal my body!  No tears, no worries, no fears, I'm strong.  I just winked at the Devil!

My Walk is My Story

It's been a minute since I've been on here.  I've been taking one day at a time.  I'm now 13 Chemos down, with only 3 left to go.  My Co-Worker told me, what I've known for a while.......I was chosen for this walk.  The things in life that use to bother me doesn't anymore.  Life is too short to worry about the small stuff.  I was at a restaurant last week and the waiter spilled this sauce all over my leather jacket.  My friend looked at me, waiting for me to explode.  The waiter frantically began to clean the mess up and I just looked at him and smiled.  It's a jacket, thats all.  I'm dealing with bigger things in life, like CANCER.  I can get a new jacket or maybe get that cleaned, but this life of mine comes only once.  So I smile and I keep it rolling.

I thought about the day I sat on my mom's couch last December and cried.  I kept saying, 'I can't do this anymore.'  I remember how much pain I was in and how bad I wanted this whole ordeal to be a dream but it wasn't.  Today I stand here with a smile because I'm almost done with Phase 1 (Chemo Treatment).  I don't even concentrate on the next Phase.  The days I feel bad, I thank God because he choose me.  He knew I could do it.  He surrounded an army of folks around me.  He supplied my needs :-)  Someone said that they would never guess what I was going through if I wasn't bald.  She said, I'm always smiling.  I can tell you that I've smiled more than I've cried in the past 5 months.  I dealt with my hair being gone, no energy, weight gain, burning head sensations, dehydration, black nails, no eyebrows, a relationship that wasn't supportive to my needs and people who fell off the journey but was going strong in the beginning and through it all, I SMILE because he choose me.   Being a child of God doesn't necessarily mean you walk this straight walk.  I don't live a perfect life but I treat people right.  I truly love my neighbor.  I know who directs my life and I accept that.

Whitney Houston died and I cried.  I cried because she was a beautiful person that had a demon riding her back that she couldn't shake.  I cried because her journey was hard and painful for her.  God called her home because it was her time.  She was tired.  I realize that God can call us at any time.  It doesn't have an age, sickness, time, or number on it.  It's just his time and thats the right time.  If God was to call me home tomorrow, or tonight, or whenever, please know that I'm ok with the life I've lived.  I know I have made my presence known with so many.  I know that I have contributed to so many lives that I'm comfortable with saying, at the age of 42, my living has not been in vain.  I pray God allows me to live a long life and I know there is a lot of work to be done.  I believe he has allowed me to go through this journey to help others and thats what I planned to do.  I'm a different person now.  I'm stronger and wiser and a little smarter :-)  I was always compassionate and caring but now I know pain and struggle.  This is My Walk and My Walk is My Story.  Stand by me, support me, lift me up because at the end of the day, it's not about me.  It's about the people that God wants me to help.  My tears are now tears of joy.  I'm fighting and I'm fighting hard.  Round 1 is about to be over and then I welcome Round 2.

March 7th is the last Chemo Treatment.

Thanks my friends, family, co-workers, and strangers that cross my path for helping me get through each day, one day at a time.

Taking One Day at a Time

Lately I've been taking things slow.  Trying not to get excited about stuff and trying not to get down about others.  I'm at my half way mark with my chemo treatment and I finally see the light.  I'm taking it one day at a time, meaning one chemo session at a time.  My spirits have been up.  I haven't cried in a while.  Life just has been treating me good because things could have been worst. I met a lady at the hospital who told me that her sister had a lump that she didn't go get checked.  One year later, she finally went to see about it and it turn out to be stage 4 cancer and they gave her 3 months to live.  She says that every time she visits her sister, she tells her that she's ready to go.  She's tired of living.  At that point, I tell God, Thank You!  It could have been worst.  I see people at the hospital with no one supporting them.  I thank God because he gave me an army of folks.  I look into my eyes (via mirror) and I smile because I see peace.  I see a woman that refuses to get tired of fighting.  I smile when I don't want to, I laugh when I want to cry and I sing (terrible singer) when I feel my spirit getting down. I look up when I need to be reminded of who is directing my life.  My heart is filled with joy and love.  Each day is a day toward VICTORY and I rejoice in advance!  I'm planning my celebration because VICTORY is already mine!  Living this life I live is not easy but God knows it could have been harder!

Lisa