I Started to Trip Out

Last week I had chemo and recovery was so hard.  That terrible feeling stayed with me so long.  I couldn't talk, think, or make sense of anything.  I dragged myself out of bed to see some old co-workers and that definitely lifted my spirits.  Man, I felt loved.  So many hugs and prayers.  A friend of mine wrote on my Facebook page that she thought the president walked in the building but it was me :-)  Thats a blessing to be loved like that.  All I could do was smile and look forward to getting back in the bed.  It was hard being there.  For six days I was sick and depressed.  Sometimes up but down a lot.  I was just tired of doing it and feeling like that.  I kept saying I don't want to do chemo anymore.  I just don't want to.  I told my friend Carol that yesterday and she told me I had no choice.  I called my doctor for an appointment because I wanted to tell her too.  Just cut the cancer out and give me the radiation and let me move on.  My doctor hasn't called back yet but she will.  I just want some other options like cutting the amount of treatments down from 12 to 6 and let me go every other week instead of every week.  Thats what I'm going to propose.  I'm going to pray on it hard and hope that it's ok with God.  I want to live but this is hard!

I feel so bad I can't even work anymore.  How can I work if I can't think straight.  I breath hard walking from my bedroom to the bathroom.  My head burns on the inside like I got water up my nose.  I forget everything.  I don't even know where one of my pair of glasses are.  I left one pair at Carol's house, so now I'm blind. (frustrating)

Through it all, I've found ways to smile.  I've found ways to dry my tears.  If it wasn't for my Facebook, friends, family and faith, I think I would have given up.  I'm still fighting, its just hard.  God has reminded me of his grace and mercy.  I continue to stay focused and looking up.