It was only a couple of weeks ago that I was told I had a spot on my lung. I had a little fear but for some reason I felt like God was going to take care of it and I had nothing to worry about. I went and took the CT scan and I didn't worry about the results because I had a friend of mine who kept saying no worry, so that was our saying, no worries. On Tuesday July the 28th I went in for the results I was told that my cancer has metastasized to my lungs and my bones. How do I survive that? The only thing that kept going through my mind was that I was going to die and I was going to leave my daughter in this world without her mother. My daughter and I are very very close. She is very protective and I know this news is going to crush her. All I could do was scream and cry. My first thoughts were what are my plans for my child? I need to make sure that she's going to be ok. I wasn't thinking about myself, it was only about my daughter and step sons. That entire day was like hell to me. I was mentally and physically exhausted my soul cried out for help I'm scared to die most importantly I fear leaving my child. So here I am, my second battle with cancer which feels like its going to be a harder fight than the first. I'm going to need some help. It's going g to take an army!
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Sunday, June 28, 2015
It gets hard
Tonight I had to cry. My frustration is getting the best of me. Every time you turn around, I'm sick with something. Congestive heart failure, bad cough that causes spasms in my stomach, back and neck pains from the nerve in my back and on top of that, I have pneumonia. Sure, I just spent a week in Hawaii but trust that I had to push each day to enjoy my time. I was tired but I could let Rosa know. I don't go out anymore and I haven't seen my friends for a while except on my birthday 3 weeks ago. I'm single and it's no way anyone would want to deal with my struggle. Hard to build a relationship when you can't even stay up at night or have the energy to go to dinner. I love to dance but I get tired 2 minutes into my groove. I met someone but I keep my wall up. I'm not doing a oh woe is me. I'm just keeping it real. I had someone who said they can't focus on their dream because they feel obligated to be there for me. Hard words to hear. I'm just having a bad night and I pray my tomorrow will be awesome. I'm human, I'm not weak but I'm tired. Real tired. I haven't cried in God knows when. They are slow tears, tears of frustration. Joy comes in the morning. I just had to let that out so that I can move forward. I'm so trying not to ask God why. I love, give, trust, help, support so many people and things. But I'm trying not to ask why. I know he is using me and I'm ok with that. I'm still human so right now I'm tired and frustrated. I'll be better tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
My Mom's Basement
I'm sitting in my mom's basement and I'm quickly reminded of those days I sat in this same chair crying. I was battling for my life and I was mad and confused. How can somebody like me have to go through all of what I was going through? I remember sitting in this chair unable to laugh but so badly wanted to. I remember telling my mother that I could no longer do chemo. It was after my 2nd treatment and I felt like cramp. I cried and my mom stroked my head and said, you can do it. You have no other choice. I cried some more and decided that my mom was right. I had no other choice. I grew up here but my only memory right now is going through hell while sleeping in this small room and at times sitting in this chair alone. It was so hard.